Tonight will be my third night without olanzapine. Last night I didn’t get to sleep until about 6am, but I expected that to happen. I still don’t completely understand what happened to me last night, crying out of the blue when I haven’t cried in months. I cried a lot near the end of my last relationship but that’s because the depression had taken hold so deeply, so intensely, that I felt helpless and scared. I was scared I had no future, scared I would end up lonely, scared of what I might do to myself given the right circumstances. You may think I’m being overly-candid but this is how I need to make sense of things, to write them down.
Being on antipsychotics was like being in a house with all the curtains closed. I didn’t have to care about the world outside and I didn’t have to let it bother me. As a result, coming off these drugs is going to involve a lot of getting back in touch with the world. I’ve accepted that sometimes I will cry, and sometimes I’ll feel anxious, and sometimes I’ll feel elated, but this is what I want. I’m worried that antipsychotics have given me an addiction to not giving a shit.
I went to my Mum’s today and on the way there I felt out of touch with the world, as if I wasn’t fully aware of my surroundings. I also felt sick and run-down, but that could be because I didn’t sleep enough last night. My Mum did warn me of the dangers of coming off my drugs, when she said “you have a psychotic illness. You can’t just stop taking your tablets just like that. It’s stupid and you know it is. You have to wean off them.”. I didn’t mind her saying this because she is probably right, so I’m still going to collect my prescription for olanzapine every fortnight, but I’m going to keep them as a PRN for the time being. I take a low dose of olanzapine during the day as PRN, so I figured this makes sense. I also need to remember that if things get bad and I need to take the pills again, this doesn’t mean I’ve failed. This isn’t some project I’m working on, it’s an overhaul.
Short blog tonight, will post again when I have more to say.