I would rather not go back to the old house

This is night three in the loony-bin and I keep forgetting what I did yesterday, or earlier on today, it’s very difficult to keep track. They’ve increased my meds by quite a lot as I mentioned before, and it’s making me slightly forgetful and spacey. 

Today, I was allowed out for a walk around the surrounding areas. I had to sign out and give a time I was going to be back. If I wasn’t back by then, my emergency contact would be called. If that person didn’t know where I was, the police would be called. So I walked around and it quickly dawned on me that I’m staying in a place very near to a house I used to live in. The house is an old tudor mansion of about 12 bedrooms, in a state of absolute disrepair. It’s the oldest building in the city, and is listed. The owner is a mad millionaire who barely chases up rent payments and can’t afford to restore the place to its former glory, so it is overrun with creatives and layabouts, of which I was once one, about 2 years ago. I don’t know why I walked there, but I felt like I had to, in order to catch a glimpse at the old place. I ended up just sitting outside near the gate, and started jotting things down in my notebook. I saw an old housemate walking away from the house down the road to the cash and carry, but he didn’t recognise me. I felt weird there, felt anonymous. As I walked away, I saw a garden with beautiful roses growing in it and I really wanted to pick one and keep it but this is a really run-down part of Manchester, and I thought maybe those roses are the only beautiful thing in that person’s life so I decided against it. Further up the road there’s a railway bridge that used to petrify me. It was about 100 yards away from my house, and for me that was too far away. My agoraphobia was at its worst then, in fact a lot of my mental faculties were failing me at that time. I’d just come out of one relationship and had embarked on an exciting new one with a boy I was always in denial about having a crush on. The end of the previous relationship had been brutal and messy, and my immediate reaction of falling right into this other boy’s arms was so predictable, the ex told me it was going to happen long before I thought it would. That was Summer, 2 years ago, and nothing at all has changed. The only thing that’s changed is that I’m now cool with going under the railway bridge. 

I had hypnotherapy this morning and that was actually not hokum and actually was good. I was aware of my surroundings but had fallen into a little trance; I felt heavy, droopy, but ultimately I felt a part of everything. All anxieties slipped away. Apparently, during the rest of my stay I’ll be taught how to self-hypnotise. 

I also had a visitor today, my Uncle. We had a really nice long natter and I felt hugely supported and happy that I have family this great. The other girls in here don’t have much on the outside, and whilst I don’t feel I do either, i know I’ve got family. 

I haven’t much left to type as i’m getting drowsy from my tablets and need to rest, as I only managed to snatch 3 hours last night and didn’t nap today. 

Will catch up soon. 


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