Catching you up

So it’s been a bit of a shit time recently. Not satisfied with merely breaking up with me then ignoring me for days on end before offering me an actual explanation, not satisfied with displaying that amount of cruelty in the early weeks, the amazing ex-boyfriend has now taken to kicking me when I’m down SO MUCH, that other people have started to intervene. Breaking up with me wasn’t enough, see. Here we are 5 or 6 weeks later and he sees now as a good time to be texting me at 4am, calling me at 2am, wanting to know who I’m sleeping with and why that makes me a terrible person. I expect I really should be sitting here in a mourning veil, gently sobbing into a silk hankie, turning away all offers of sex from sexy men in case the ex decides to throw me a bone. Because I haven’t been doing that and because I’ve been getting my fill as a single woman, he’s accused me of never really loving him, of stringing him along for the whole year, of never actually being sincere when I called him the love of my life. It’s a sad affair when you think you know someone, and you love them, and then they go and turn on you like a worst enemy. He’s acutely aware of my mental illness, in fact it’s why he left me. I’ve pleaded with him to stop getting the digs in but he just couldn’t. My parents have actually now had to contact him telling me to leave me alone. Not satisfied with leaving me and pushing me into a dark place, he just loves to remind me why I was such a trauma to be with, why I’m so difficult, and exactly what about me he finds despicable. I’ve been pretty depressed. That’s not enough for him. He wants me to go as far down as possible. I was wallowing last night and it made me act irrationally. Now, I just have a feeling of needing to carry on. What he’s doing is called bullying, and it’s not a very nice thing to do. At first I thought it was all my fault, I consulted several friends and gave them honest accounts of when I did indeed act like a dick in the relationship, but see, the ex can’t accept he ever did. Because of ONE person I recently slept with (I would like to reiterate I have been single for over a month, and he’s the one who left me), he’s hitting out at me with such vicious force that it’s starting to feel suffocating. Because of ONE person, I must not have loved him. Because of ONE person, I deserve – in the ex’s eyes – to be spoken down to in such a way it’s ironic he’s accusing me of never really loving him, when he now has the capacity to talk to me like I’m some kind of monster. 

But the good thing is, it means I can move past him now. I was in love with this man, he was funny and gentle and kind, and sure sometimes he was a little weak but aren’t we all? He’d get depressed and I’d do all I could to comfort him. I’d tell him all the time how much I loved him. I mean sure, okay, sometimes his exes were a bit of a problem (in particular the one he creeped on YouTube, and planned on seeing without me. Or the one who added me on Twitter, she’s one who couldn’t stop emailing him. And there was that woman who told MY friends that she’d had a casual sex relationship with him and that turned out to be a lie. Oh, and there was that one who actually emailed me begging to know *sob* WHY *sob* DON’T *sob* YOU *sob* LIIIIKE MEEEEEEE), and sometimes that really fucked me off. Oh god yeah, there was ANOTHER one who was messaging him, but that also was meant to be a secret kept from me. So, we’d argue about that. How I felt like I’d just been added to a harem of useless women for some unfathomable reason still fawning over this man. I had this difficult past too. One guy. This one bro. He too would email me all the time and I would always, always respond with “leave me alone”. Since the break-up, I needed a friend and this past bro knows me very well and knows how to take care of me, so maybe somewhat irrationally, I called him. I’d like to again reiterate, this is as a single woman, after my boyfriend who the day before told me I was the love of his life and that he adored me and never leave me, left me. Of course, me and the past bro ended up sleeping together. It was on the cards. We’ve all done it, haven’t we? Regrettable sex with someone on the grounds you remember they were great in bed and at least you know what to expect. The ex asked me if I had slept with this past bro, when he called me at 2am one night. I said yes, and since then, a torrent of absolute hate and disgust has been unleashed. Like it’s any of his business. You know what I think? I think he’s full of regret. I knew if I slept with this past bro, I was once and for all burning my bridges with the ex. He wouldn’t want to go near me again if the past bro had, you know, put his SCENT ON ME. I did it largely for that reason. I was clinging onto hope me and the ex would get back together and I needed to eradicate that hope. 
The past bro has been an angel. Loving, caring, kind, and most of all – patient. I feel mad at myself I didn’t allow myself to stay friends with him when I was with the ex. At times, I could have really used a friend like that. In the ex’s eyes of course this means me and the past bro are wildly in love and always were, so that’s why it’s acceptable to text me at 4am calling me names, making me feel 2 centimetres tall, accusing me of dreadful things. 

Now, is it just me, or is that super fucked-up? 

I don’t know. I just sort of thought that when you dump someone on the grounds that they’re no longer worth the hassle (which is why he left me), I don’t think you have a right to have any opinion on the sex they’ve been having and who with, do you? Especially if your relationship with that person was littered with reminders of exes, especially ones you’ve expressed actual obsession with? You can’t exactly go moaning to the person you’ve left that they might end up loving someone that isn’t them, that they were stringing you along when all they did all the time was tell you they loved you, so publicly and proudly, openly expressing deep adoration, can you? 

Is this some kind of male thing I don’t get?

You know, it’s funny. I’ve been out with some horrible people. The ex, was the nicest boyfriend I ever had. Funny how it turned out that this break-up is the most vicious, destructive, nasty and bitter one I’ve ever had, and that the sweet, kind man I fell in love with is nothing more than a jealous and embittered little bully, wanting what he can’t have and throwing a temper tantrum because he threw away a toy that someone else has picked up and started to cherish. 


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