True Beauty

So, I became single recently. He left me. He’s a man in his thirties who lives at home and has a Saturday job, but he left me, because I just wasn’t quite good enough for him. I’m sure he can do better than a 24 year old graduate poet musician, I am SURE of that. Yeah, he made the right decision. He’s done a good thing.

So because of this, I’ve been hanging out with my ex a lot because I dumped him at the peak of our love, and he managed to recover from it. During my last relationship I couldn’t be friends with this ex, but I’ve recently thought fuck it. He used to always be at my aid with wine and gin and cake, and now he is again.

When it first happened, I went to his house. He lives (or used to live) on the moors. He said he would take me to the top of Penistone Crags, and I could scream loudly and that might alleviate some of the very true, very real, very sore pain. Now I’ve had a few days. 

The ex emailed me today. Does he want me back? No, he doesn’t. He wants sympathy or something. If he wanted me back, I would listen, but he doesn’t. He’s being a tormentor. 

So I’m at the OTHER ex’s right now. Things just got a bit heavy. I was walking up the stairs, I was about to use the bathroom. My hair is pinned up, I am wearing just a slouchy grey dress, I haven’t worn make up in days, I haven’t slept in days either. He said:

HIM: My god you’re just so naturally beautiful aren’t you
ME: Not really, can’t you see how fat I am?
HIM: No, not fat, not fat, but fleshy, indulged, perhaps
ME: What if nobody ever indulges me again? What if I’m always just that fucking fat chick nobody wants to dance with? Oh god *cries*
HIM: Hey, hey, god, no, god, you know what I think of you?
ME: WHAT *cries some more*
HIM: I think you’re the most beautiful person I ever met, I think I’ve never met anyone so NATURALLY gorgeous, I think – I just think I could lose myself drunk on the tips of your eyelashes.

 

For me, this doesn’t mean a thing. I won’t hook up with him. It does not cross my mind. But did he say these things politely? Did he mean it? Was I cruel to cut him out a year ago, is he punishing me for that now? Huh. No matter what he said, I am lonely. I remain lonely. I will be lonely. For a long time. 

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