Leaving the house

I’ve been really good at leaving the house this past couple of days, and today I managed to get myself some actual clothes. The clothes are really functional, I haven’t been looking for anything beautiful. I don’t feel very beautiful. I’ve been doing this really cliche thing of just wearing ALL BLACK. Not because I’m in mourning, but just because I don’t want to draw any attention to myself. So I bought this dress, and then I put it on when I got home, and I thought dang, I look nice. Not great, just okay. I don’t today look as dead as I’ve looked this past week. The ex has made a wise choice and decided to block me from all communications. He has taken the decision to stop dangling the vague possibility we’ll get back together in front of my face before snatching it back again. Now I look at it, that’s really mean. I’m in the anger stage. He keeps ignoring me, then contacting, hopefully getting me so low that if and when he does decide to tell me he’s changed his mind, I’ll be overcome with joy and go back to him. That won’t happen. This morning I was really into the idea we should get back together but I’ve gone through so much hurt and raw pain this past week that I couldn’t take it any more. If he’s capable of it, he’s not someone I would want to be with. 

Other Ex is still being SIMPLY DELIGHTFUL and I do find that QUITE COINCIDENTAL. It’s nice being able to chat with him, realising that actually, he’s not that bad of person, but much like why my recent ex left me, I had to leave him because he became far too much to deal with. I know now what he went through when I chucked him and I guess the sympathy element is what I need at the moment. Ironic though, to talk about heartbreak with someone who says, “Yeah I felt like that. You know. When you broke up with me.” so i can see that getting pretty uncomfortable pretty quickly. A few of my friends keep saying “Why don’t you just go back out with him, he LOVES you” but no, that is not enough. And I do not love him. 

I cannot entertain the idea of ever being with anyone else at the moment. I think in the future i need a very sensible man. Someone who can be stable when I can’t, someone who can be the anchor when I’m floating off out to sea. Someone with direction when I don’t have any, someone who is willing to weather the storms, rather than blame me for them. 

I’m learning a lot through this experience. Mainly i’m learning a lot of you have been through similar and you’re all being very sweet. I’ve stopped needing to talk to him, needing him back, because he is not the person I assumed he was, he’s not that man I spent a year with. He has such capacity to be so cruel, and is now making me feel guilty for a relationship that I did not single-handedly break, that I did not end, and that I was willing to fight for. Maybe in a few months we can be friends. But it could never be more than that. And that’s pretty healthy I think. I’m still so, so sad, that all that love just went ignored, and that someone who was such a huge part of me left without warning, leaving me to deal with the whole thing on my own. The biggest part of this of course is simply: I love him, and he doesn’t love me. That’s the crux of it. 

So yeah. The dress looks alright on me, though. 

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