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Monthly Archives: March 2013

if you’re a woman don’t write about being dumped, or being in love. you probably can do it very well indeed, but don’t, because everyone will think you’re a bit wet and can’t write, after all women seem to only be able to write about their silly little feelings. so if you’re a woman and you want to write, you’re going to have to use a lot of imagination and try hard, and this is no bad thing. this is an excellent thing. but it should extend to everyone: if you’re a person and you want to write, try hard, and don’t use writing as an excuse to brag about yourself as a person. 
i’m saying this because in my official capacities as an editor, and as a critic of culture, i’m getting so incredibly bored of reading this kind of fiction. from boys. fiction from boys who’ve been dumped. fiction of boys who were in relationships with impossible yet beautiful women. fiction by boys about impossible women who left them through no fault of their own. fiction by boys about beautiful women who left them maybe just because they had too many feelings or because of passion. fiction by boys about impossible yet beautiful women they’ve definitely fucked a few times because they have an amazing instrument of joy between their legs. fiction by boys about women who left them but remained angelic, celestial even, because of their physical beauty because physical beauty is not important but it’s fiction by boys who really want you to know they’ve had sex with someone gorgeous because they’d never fuck an uggo, even if they are quite intellectually above that. fiction by boys that spins on for paragraphs about all the dostoevsky they’ve read (you’re a girl you won’t have heard of him unless your ex boyfriend told you about him). fiction by boys that uses big words and boys who notice things about the world that women wouldn’t understand. boys who use big words. boys who like an intimidating woman but in actuality can’t handle anyone more than just a dolly who will metaphorically blow them by praising their shitty fiction. fiction by boys who picked up a pen one day and saw it as the same thing as grabbing hold of their dick for the first time. fiction by boys who think that just because they’re boys they don’t actually have to try that hard, they just need to be seen in a few coffee shops with a notebook and they need to produce fiction that proves to you that actually they can get laid by beautiful women. but it’s fiction by boys who don’t want you to know it’s really all that superficial. fiction by boys who will wrap the whole love story in some unbelievably french idiom and peppered with references to famous philosophers and then fling out into the world and sit back waiting for it to be picked up by someone. fiction by boys who send things to metazen or sadcore dadwave or to my home address for review or on any of the literary sites i keep an eye on, fiction that does nothing but brag and preen and boast and self-satisfy, fiction by boys that reads as an advertisement for themselves, to impossible yet beautiful women (but nobody TOO intellectually intimidating, please). fiction by boys who force metaphors and have weak examples of motifs that all revolve around breasts. 

fiction by boys who should put down their pen and have a wank first and then go back to the text and see if it really is any good at all, or if it’s all just sexual frustration because the impossible yet beautiful women they want to date are too unattainable for them because those women see their fiction for what it is: fiction by boys, and not by men. 

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